artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
I miss my sister so much right now. I'm in the guest room/study of the house she built with her husband and thinking about her, and I just... I just miss her. I want her back. I want her to see her awesome kids. I want her to be here to hug them goodnight. I love them like crazy and I love that they love me - I swear, I get more physical contact in two days here than in months at home (makes sense, I live alone), but these kids should have their mom, and it's not fair that they don't. It's not fair that I won't ever have another conversation with her, that she won't ever surprise me with what she thinks about news in the world or laugh with me at the hilarious thing her youngest son said. It's not fair that her husband has to do all the financial stuff she used to handle. None of this is fair, and being here without her is so hard. It hasn't even been six months since she died, and people say it gets easier with time, but I keep thinking that the longer she's gone, the more she's missed- the more hugs that go unhugged, the laughs that go unshared, the worse it is, not better. I just. I miss my sister.
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
 Any time you spend making money beyond what you need to be happy is wasted time.

A friend said that to me tonight, and it crystallized a lot of what I've been thinking about recently. Death will do that, make you step back and take stock, try to decide what really matters, give you a big horrible emotion to compare all those petty little ones to. What do I actually care about? What do I make time for? Why do I spend so much time at work, or thinking about work, or worrying about work, when on the list of things I actually care about, work isn't even in the top five? How do I move towards the things I do actually care about, redistribute my time so it reflects my caring?

Here's a start - saying yes to my friends. Want to hang out? Yes. Want to go to a movie? Yes. Coming to this party? Yes. Up for an ichat? Yes. I care about these people, I should show that in YES. And in conflict with that - time to do art, time to be my introverted, obsessively detailed artsy self, hours and hours doing something strange and fiddly that connects with my art - burning hundreds of matches for a sculpture, making thousands of dots into a painting, moving curves thousandths of an inch in a logo.

I've been failing both ways recently - hermiting not for the sake of art but just because, spending my alone time in front of the tv or iPad. And yet, this past month has been the hardest of my life, and I'm slowly realizing that I really am never going to stop missing my sister. I'll have more good days, I'll maybe feel it less often, but this massive loss is never going to be okay. But I can do everything in my power to be who I want to be, because she was so very herself, but for far too short a time.
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
New favorite thing discovered on AO3 - the button that says View Entire Work, because then I can click Read later for Instapaper and poof, there's a whole story on my iPad in two clicks. Anyone know if there's a way to make ff.net do the same?

Edit: it looks like this doesn't actually work - it gets only the last chapter instead - and wow, that's confusing. So does anyone know a solution for both AO3 and ff.net?
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
I noticed a couple minutes ago that both my cats were staring intently out the window. This is pretty normal, there's a bird feeder right there for their entertainment, but they looked like they were staring at something a little closer than usual. Cut cat cuteness )
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
 Holy crap, I may be buying a house. I mean, I'm at the very first step - I've told my realtor I want to put in an offer (well, bid, actually...) on this one house. It's not my dream house. YET. The strengths of this house: it's where I want it to be. It has the front porch I've been wanting. It has the space I need in it. And its price is such that I will have a pretty good amount of freedom to DO STUFF to it. Stuff like knock out a window and turn it into French doors to the deck I'm going to build in the back yard. Stuff like totally redesigning the kitchen. Stuff like re-roofing it (which it'll need soon, I hear). And then I will have MY house, a house I've made into what I want it to be. And that is pretty awesome.

The whole process of buying it is going to be odd - it's a foreclosure, so I'm dealing with a bank, and a bidding process, and ridiculousness in general, but my realtor is awesome and knows what he's doing, so we will persevere. So maybe, just maybe, I'll have a house. A whole house. In which I will have a whole room as studio space. Seriously, this is such a huge draw for me. No more tiny corner of the living room for the art desk. An actual room in which I can build books or paint things or make stuff without it interfering with my main living space. I am so very excited about that.
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
Guys, I want a porch. I don't exactly know why I have this love for them, though it's maybe a combination of the house I grew up in and the screened porches at Kanuga, but I want a porch. I'm looking at all these houses, and considering where my studio space goes, and closets, and kitchens (why do so many kitchens suck so much? Who puts the stove on the far opposite side of the kitchen from the main countertop and sink? WHY?) and all that, and I still just want a porch. I want a porch swing where I can sit with a date when I'm not ready to invite him/her in, but don't want the date to end. I want muggy evenings with cold lemonade and a book, and the window open so the cats can smell the outside. I want to watch thunderstorms under cover, but to get hit with raindrops when the wind blows hard enough. I want to have to sweep the inch-thick layer of pollen off in the spring so I can sit out there with a drink before dinner. I just... I want my porch.
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
So tonight was juggling club night - only three regulars there, me, Ronnie, and Mike. But since we're all club passers, that's plenty to have some fun. Also had a mom and her kids for the first time - the third grader was getting six catches by the end, but his younger brother isn't quite coordinated enough yet to do much. He was fascinated by the club passing, though, so I think they both had a good time.

Clubs! Worked on doubles with Ronnie, then did some waltzing - my left hand passes still have a hitch in them, which I need to work on a bit since Ronnie and Jeff are both lefties, so it simplifies life a lot for them if more of us can work ambidextrously. Then Ronnie and I did a chunk of fast/slow, but since both of us learned with Jeff, we couldn't remember at first who threw to where. Turns out the slow person (who's waltzing) does parallel throws, while the fast person (doing 4-count) alternates, so does a cross-pattern, then a parallel, then a cross, etc. But they're always throwing from the same hand.

Then all 3 of us did some feed patterns with Ronnie as point, but it disintegrated fast, so we switched to Mike and me passing, Ronnie stealing. There's a cool one I want to learn where he catches the pass that's coming in, then walks the club diagonally across the pattern and delivers it to the other side on time. Requires a pause from whoever he stole it from, but looks really neat in practice. Mike and I did some playing with behind-the-backs during passing, since you can really do whatever you want for the 3 self counts, as long as your pass goes out at the right time.

And finally, Ronnie taught/(retaught) Mike and me wally walks - or, rather, half wallys because full ones are suicidal ways to learn. It's like a ninja move - you're passing one club with somebody who's got three - then you walk a pass over to them, catch the pass (from their right hand), place the club in an underhand move (to their left hand), swap the caught club to the other hand, steal their self throw (from their right hand), and place the club in their left hand, and then back out and continue passing. I finally got the place/swap/steal/place sequence, but my "place" is a bit more like a "fling," so I gotta work on this a bit more. We stayed late this time, which was unusual - I think I've left early for the past few because my hands got sore, but this time I was having so much fun I ignored the soreness. It was a good evening.

skydiving!

May. 5th, 2009 10:01 pm
artkoala: koala drawing (Default)
This is an odd post to start my Dreamwidth existence off with, not having anything to do with art at all, but it's what I spent my weekend doing. And it's going to be way longer than anyone will probably want to read, but I'm putting it all in words for myself, mostly. Though I'm not sure it's actually possible to even get close to the experience with words, but I'm going to try.

details about skydiving... )

And I have spent the last two days thinking "holy crap, I jumped out of a PLANE!" and being all euphoric all over again. It was definitely the coolest six minutes of my life.

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June 2012

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